Mothering with Endometriosis

This morning I was a terrible mother. Not to the two youngest, but to my oldest. That GIF is my oldest pushing all my buttons and rather than being calm and basically the adult. I snapped. And now I am sitting with this awful feeling in my stomach, hating myself.

In 2008 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. Finally. After years of gut wrenching period pains, which doctors for an unreasonable long time told me was my lot in life, because, you know, “women problems”… It took my perseverance to get an gynaecologist to see me and then the surgeon (a boomer woman, no less) had the audacity to question the referral, because… You know, young woman…

How ever, it was a thing. But why is it relevant? Well, thanks to Healthline.com – here’s a quick explanation:

Endometriosis is considered an estrogen-dependent condition. The elevated estrogen levels that occur with endometriosis trigger inflammation and the growth of endometrium in the body. It contributes to endometriosis symptoms like:

• heavy, painful periods
• weight gain
• fatigue
• mood changes

Low estrogen levels have been associated with mood swings and can trigger premenstrual syndrome (PMS). In the few weeks after ovulation leading up to your period, estrogen levels drop. People living with endometriosis may feel heightened mood shifts at this time. (Thank you, Healthline.com)

Most women I know, compare themselves all the time. We are hard on ourselves and we generally want to be the best version of whatever it is we are. So when I snap, because I have these flipping mood swings, I go into full self-loathing. I hate that I can’t control it and I hate that I have read so many peaceful parent tips etc. so I feel guiltier than ever. Because no coaching can change my hormones!

What I do do, is educate my children. But particularly my sons. I educate them in women’s health. In my health. I talk about periods, hormones, PMS and everything that follows. And then I do the most important thing any parent should do. I apologies. Profusely. I explain, that it is me and not him. That I am the adult (he has a tendency to take blame) and I am the one who needs to get better. I explain that in 3 days I am due my period and it is hard for me. That it is not an excuse to get so frustrated and angry, but it is an explanation. I do that, so he understands fully, that he is not the problem, he never was and never will be. It is me. Now I have a wonderful child, who listens to that and tells me it’s okay and it’s in the past. But I am still sitting here at 10.38 am with this gnawing feeling of guilt.

Coping with mood swings and emotional changes caused by endometriosis can be challenging, but there are strategies you can use to navigate through these difficulties and I need to get better at coping with mood swings and manage guilt, so I have found some resources for more information and support:

Coping with Mood Swings and Emotional Changes:

1. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Regular practice of mindfulness, deep breathing, and relaxation exercises can help you manage mood swings and emotional fluctuations. Mindfulness meditation and progressive muscle relaxation are effective tools to promote emotional well-being.
   I do a lot of deep breathing (I think a lot of mums do…) and I am trying to get into mindfulness, but it’s a struggle for me as I very quickly get bored… Cue the next tip:
2. Regular Exercise: Engaging in physical activity releases endorphins, which can improve mood and reduce stress. Incorporate regular exercise into your routine, even if it’s a short walk or gentle yoga session.
   I am starting to run – it was always something I found boring, but I fire up my dance playlist and it becomes a mixture of running and dancing – when I can find time to myself at home, I do Gygalates (which is my friend’s program of Gymnastic, Yoga and Pilates)
3. Dietary Modifications: Certain foods can exacerbate mood swings. Focus on a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins. Reducing caffeine, sugar, and processed foods may help stabilise mood.
4. Journaling: Keeping a journal can help you track your emotions and identify patterns related to your menstrual cycle. This self-awareness can assist you in anticipating mood changes and managing them proactively.
   This is something new I found and I think this could be really useful for me, although I will probably forget it some days – but as I have a “working from home” day – I might just go get a calendar and jot down the some emotions I experience when I get into these stages… I suppose writing this and doing the research was a good help as well..
5. Support Network: Reach out to friends, family, or support groups. Connecting with others who understand your experiences can provide a sense of validation and relief.

Managing Guilt and Self-Loathing:

1. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend. Remember that everyone has moments of emotional difficulty, and you’re taking steps to address them.
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts: When feelings of guilt or self-loathing arise, challenge negative thoughts with evidence of your efforts to cope and improve. Recognize that hormonal fluctuations are beyond your control.
3. Seek Professional Help: If feelings of guilt and self-loathing become overwhelming, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. Therapy can provide you with tools to manage these emotions effectively.
4. Apologize and Forgive Yourself: Just as you educate your children about accountability, model self-forgiveness. Apologize to your child and acknowledge your emotions, while emphasizing that you’re actively working on managing them.

Resources for Endometriosis Information and Support:

1. Endometriosis Foundation of America: Offers educational resources, support groups, and information on managing endometriosis.
2. The Endometriosis Network Canada: Provides information, resources, and support for individuals dealing with endometriosis.
3. IAPMD – International Association for Premenstrual Disorders: Offers resources, community forums, and information about premenstrual mood changes and disorders.
4. Mindfulness Meditation – Headspace: A mindfulness meditation app that can help you develop skills to manage mood swings and emotional challenges.
5. Online Support Groups – DailyStrength: Connect with others who share similar experiences through online support groups.

Remember that managing endometriosis-related mood swings and emotions is a journey. Be patient with yourself and recognise that seeking help and support is a sign of strength.

Something about HUGE changes

I am currently sitting in a café in my hometown in Denmark. Husband is in London, working. Both boys have started school in Denmark, the chick has started nursery (finally, she is very much a product of lockdown and very very keen on mama). So how the fuck, did we end up in this situation? Well, when it came to crunch time decision making, we were at a loss. We went back and forth and decided that Denmark would be a good call for the children. Finally giving them that Danish injection we felt they needed. My mum were up for a massive open heart surgery and I missed my friends and family. So I started looking for jobs, but alas it turned out a lot harder than I thought it would be. Like a lot, a lot. Now having a husband who worries, the not-knowing about income and jobs made him a little, to say the least, worried. He started looking. And then the international school the boys were joining fell through. I was devastated. And no job were coming my way. Husband got an amazing job. In London. I said that was great. I meant it. But I felt sad. For what could have been. So we started planning UK. Again. Then Husband suggested I asked my mum if she could see us living with her for 5 months (a term) and started looking into other school prospect – we were both hesitant throwing them straight into a Danish system, however, found a great school that could support the boys the way we needed it, so suddenly I was moving to Denmark with the kids, whilst Husband was going to be in London 5 days a week and Denmark at weekends.

And so it is, just like you said it would be… Like Damien Rice sings at the beginning of The Blower’s Daughter and so it is indeed. We left Malaysia, our home for 6 years, in the midst of a pandemic and it’s been fucking hard. Lockdown in KL has been interesting to say the least. Two adults(ish) working fulltime with three kids in a flat, not allowed to visit people or go out has been a… shall we say… different experience. Everywhere people have gone through their different versions and experiences and this is ours. Still decompressing. In a situation not a lot of people would put themselves in voluntarily.

However, before the pandemic hit, we had already decided that this was going to be our last year in Malaysia, our last year being part of an amazing school community and work environment. Our last year in a multicultural and diverse community that both excited me more than it frustrated me (which it definitely could at times). So why leave, I hear you ask? If it was so amazing. Because it was two flights away from our families. Because we love adventures and we were ready for the next one. Because when the pandemic hit, Knolly, the third bow to my string, was only 4 months and she ended up not meeting any family until she was just under two years old. The latter became more of an acknowledgement of our decision being the right decision, rather than the reason.

So here I am. In my hometown. In a cafê with a milky latte and less diversity, but stunning nature. Husband commuting from London and supply teaching on the horizon. It’s been 4 months so far of fulltime solo parenting during the week, looking after my mum, 10 chicken, 4 budgies and attention seeking dog. It has not been easy. I have struggled and will definitely go into that in another post. For now – first post in a while. Standard. But the unexpected housewife is back.

Women vs. Women vs. instagram

As I am shuffling saltly nachos down my throat, after an hour nap, to damper my relentless morning sickness, I couldn’t help but think of a situation I was in yesterday with one of my good friends.

I was walking down to football with my kids as well as my friend and her kids. She is sweetly asking how I am feeling, knowing that I had to take the day off from work the day before as I simply couldn’t stop vomiting. I tell her, much better and that it seems a bit like a reverse Russian roulette – rather than one bullet, there’s only one empty chamber. She smiles sympathetically and then starts talking about how she had NEVER had a day off while pregnant with her two. How she was in an important meeting once with important people, probably talking about something very important (I don’t remember what it was, but it sounded important!) and she felt like barfing… BUT SHE DIDN’T! My response was “Oh, you know, I suppose I am lucky to be in a job where I am able to take the day off, where my line manager understands my situation of non-stop puking or at least nausea that can make retch relentlessly” and “I suppose with the first two I wasn’t working full time, but just studying…” 

What I wish I had said now, here on reflection as usual, with a heavy slathering of sarcasm is “ Well, fucking great for you! You must be so much better than me!” and my friend would have gone (hopefully) “Shit, that’s not what I mean…” 

 

So why do women do that? What I want to get back to, again, is that standard thing that women do to other women! Especially when they become mums. Thinking they are better because of … It can be anything, really. 

1. I gave birth naturally…
2. I didn’t have any pain relief….
3. I didn’t have day off…
4. I worked full-time and raised 500 children whilst supporting all the right charities…

 

You could probably add loads more! The tendency to, I suppose, compete or make themselves feel better by pointing out someone else’s misery. 

 

When I first became a mum I was 26, it wasn’t planned and I thought, well at least there’s a whole community of women out there, who are also mums – who can help me a little bit here. 

I was trying to finish my bachelor degree with a newborn baby, lived in another country than my boyfriend (now husband…) and I tore from one end to the other during the birth (but hey! I did it naturally with no pain relief – so yeah for me… *please detect the sarcastic tone*) 

 

Instagram became a place of misery rather than the community I was looking for. It was full of mums with babies wearing amazing clothes, cooking amazing food for mother-groups and husbands, nailing life by being entrepreneurs and life-changers and it made me feel like shit. Like utter shit. 

I’d like to think that I am a reasonably intelligent woman. I have a rational side in my brain and ironically my first thesis (with baby) was about the effect social media have on young people. Yet, there I was. Sucked into it and getting all the amazing stories about mums who knew what was right (the right way to birth, the right way to breastfeed, the right way to be pregnant and look amazing whilst being that). And I couldn’t switch it off. 

 

In 2013 Tracy Vaillancourt wrote a literature review, in which she found that women express indirect aggression toward other women, and that aggression is a combination of “self-promotion,” making themselves look more attractive, and “derogation of rivals,” being catty about other women. That now extends to motherhood? Who’s the best breeder? Who can have AND give it all? “As women come to consider being prized by men their ultimate source of strength, worth, achievement and identity, they are compelled to battle other women for the prize.” writes Noam Shpancer writes in Psychology Today. What? So even after we’ve been impregnated by the ones we want to compete with other women for, we continue?

 

I could continue this… But I won’t. I will just appeal to all women out there and ask them to think one extra time when you are trying to “comfort” your puking friend or when you post an opinion about something to do with motherhood.  We all experience emotions, pregnancy and motherhood differently. My kind of right, might not be someone else’s kind of right. 

 

The Challenge of School

Ah, yes. Today is the first day of my period. I am tired, my thighs and shins feels like the muscles within them have been replaced with led. The Block woke up at 4.47 in the greatest mood, the mood was ace, the time was not. I asked him to fetch himself some breakfast, he did and ate it in my bedroom on the floor as he didn’t want to sit on his own. Husband is on camp and The Bean told me that he would stab me in the leg with a sword if he had one. When I pointed out it wasn’t nice, he said; ‘Sorry, I won’t do it again!’ AGAIN? How about not doing it?

Tuesday afternoon I had a chat with Blockie’s teacher. He is being disruptive in class and proclaiming that the tasks are boring. Furthermore, he is pronouncing, that he doesn’t need to learn, as he knows it all anyway. He’s a smartass, no one likes a smartass. Also, I mean, he doesn’t know it all. Obvs!

The boy has got so much energy. He can’t sit still. He can’t follow instructions, but he is smart, loving and has got such an amazing imagination. I want him to love to learn, his teacher wants him to love learning, so why doesn’t he? Whenever I look at him and/or the students at our school it makes me think of a TedTalk I watched, Sir Ken Robinson talking about how “schools killing creativity”. Are we? He believes that “our education system is predicated on the idea of academic ability” – which is true. Especially in Asia. Here the tops subjects are Science and Maths because the most prestigious surely must be law, medicine, science or any job really where you earn money. Being rich is being successful, which is prestigious. Ken Robinson talks about how ‘academic ability’ has really come to dominate our view of intelligence because the universities designed the system in their image. This makes me so incredibly sad and not how one measures intelligence, but instead diligence – “If you think of it, the whole system of public education around the world is a protracted process of university entrance. And the consequence is that many highly talented, brilliant, creative people think they’re not, because the thing they were good at school wasn’t valued, or was actually stigmatised”. I am currently sitting in a classroom, observing the year 12’s while they are researching universities. They are looking to study the before mentioned, law, science, and medicine. It’s a group of 10. They dedicate so much work to their studies and goals, which comes from where? Themselves? I doubt it! I know that there are some strong parent forces behind their choices.

Blockie wants to be an adventurer.  He also wants to be a scientist. He want’s to be so many things. I just want him to be happy and love learning. And I want him to be a child.

The wave of Mumpreneurs (and how I am feeling inadequate not riding it…)

One of my best friends lives in Rwanda and works for an all female university. How awesome is that? I particularly envied her when I was sitting at home with the Block, feeling like I had accomplished nothing, but give birth, a big deal, granted, but not really changing the lives of thousands of women! I always thought, well she doesn’t have children yet… She’s had time to do this, my time will come.

This morning I was looking through my Humans of New York book and there was a guy who said: “I’ve been feeling a bit unaccomplished lately. I recently met a kid in his twenties who figured out a way to power lights in rural India by generating electricity from human shit!” And was I like: “Mate, I get you!” That is how I feel… I don’t know why I’ve always had this dream/idea that I would accomplish something bigger than me or do something, which felt bigger than me. No idea what it would be, scrap that, I have had MANY ideas, but not the time or power to do it and especially not now that I am working full time.

As I look through my Instagram, I see all of these spectacular mums. They are literally nailing it. Some old school friends of mine started their own business in Denmark focusing on beautiful table settings, I remember thinking: “That is so awesome, they have taken their skills and utilised them in the most effective way!” A friend from London started designing changing bags, which took off in such an impressive way. Another friend of mine has just started her own coffee grinding business. Not only are they all female businesses, they are all mums. I guess, the thing is that they have all found their niche and calling (something I haven’t found – although I do bloody love coffee) – something they are great at and what has amazed me is the community surrounding this, how all these amazing ‘mumpreneurs’ support each other, but also how quickly they business became “well-known” using Instagram (because of, of course, their super hard work.)

My Instagram feed is now full of these fantastic women, from mum bloggers to mum designers to journalists fighting for flexible working hours for parents. All strong, all accomplished. And then there’s me. Probably feeling a little bit envious of their drive and commitment. With my feeling of being unaccomplished, working full time from 7.40am to 4pm, feeling tired and not always the mum I strive to be. With ideas and dreams that are probably already been done and a feeling of wanting to be part of something bigger. This post is not meant to sound as depressing as I have just described myself… I suppose, I wonder if other mums ever feel this way?

Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer

Another half term is slowly passing – it is Sunday, it’s 10.19am and both boys are dressed in Kylo Ren & Luke Skywalker outfits fighting for total control of the universe. Weirdly Kylo Ren is only wearing his mask and underpants.
We’re in Langkawi – I am sipping my coffee and contemplating on another holiday passed. How extremely fortunate we are to be able to travel the way we do. Here at Foxhill we have full relaxation and amazing food. The surroundings are green and serene. This is indeed the definition of a home stay.

I am covered in bruises after a trip to Japan with 26 students. Skiing for the first time in 12 years, I was slightly worried, however it was a bit like riding a bike (rolled into a ball!) I clearly haven’t lost my need for speed, which did result in many, many falls. As a nonchalant French student (and awesome skier) pointed out in a thick French accent with no movements in his face “it was like you were skiing on your head!” – I’ll take that. Students, do as I say, not as I do…

Just waiting for the sun cream to sink in to the pasty white boys and then we’ll enjoy our last bit of pool time here before heading back to the City of KL. I have been mildly organised and ordered groceries to arrive at our arrival at home. I love myself some online shopping. Groceries do not give me the same kick as clothes shopping though….

It is grow or be left behind.

Dear Block,

Today I felt sad. My heart has been aching for the majority of the day.

The other day my friend told me that boys often become much more dad-centric when they turn 6. In 5 days that will be you and I feel it. I feel the winds are changing course and I am slowly demoted to second fiddle.

This morning you asked your dad “why he did everything?”. My heart felt heavy. Your dad was applying mosquito spray on you (a tactile action) while I was making your lunchbox. The ‘behind the scenes’-things are not seen by a six year old. It is not noticed when your school uniform have been put out, the clothes just appear, right? When I pack and organise your things, your room. When I am cooking your dinner. The things I would and will always do for you, with no question asked. I shouldn’t have felt offended, but I did. I felt jealous, why would you think he does everything, that is my job. I do everything. For you. It is silly really. Because we both do. But I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to be you main go-to-person. As always. 

I suppose, I feel the signs of you growing up creeping in and I don’t know how to deal with it. You are getting older – you are growing up, slowly, yet so fast.

You will roll your eyes at me and you already answer back now and then. I feel all the worlds cliches about having children are rolling over me like tidal waves. I can’t seem to find words of my own, which describe my feelings accurately enough. The love I feel for for you is beyond words.

But for now I shall stop wallowing in my own selfish misery, because seeing you grow into the magnificent human you are, fills me with more pride than anything. You definitely seem committed to this growing up and there’s no stopping it – you will grow. And I shall grow with you. I have no choice. It is grow or be left behind. I don’t want to be left behind.

 

(Tonight, I shall tuck you in. And treasure that you still sneak into my bed at night and twirl my hair.)

Sri Lanka part two

Day 22 – Kandy in the tea plantations

We have retreated. To the tea plantations outside Kandy. The mountain range where taxi drivers fear for the bottom of their cars. It is divine. Blockie and Beano are very excited by the green and running around outside.

The other we took the local bus down to Kandy town for lunch. The beauty of public transport on a mountain range is an activity in itself. We’d managed to sit right next to the driver looking out the front window, feeling the breeze in our faces, being smiled at by the locals on the bus. We grabbed two friends who came i with the train and dragged them them to the local bus for the epic journey. The bus was totally full and the people in the bus thought we were hilarious. 6 white peoples with suitcases singing ‘It’s the final countdown!’ – it was awesome to have S and V here, Blockie especially was enjoying their company and whilst waiting for them at the train exclaimed his excitement to the train conductor, who wanted to know who had sparked this – ‘My teachers!!’

Kandy is great, actually Mount Royal outside Kandy is great, with the boys. Everywhere is green and both the boys have been enjoying walks, playing, making dens and going on adventures. We are fortunate to have a jacuzzi in the room, which is also an activity (having a bath). The food is good and easy and if it hadn’t been for the fact that the Bean has been under the weather (diarrhoea and some vomiting) it would have been close to perfect.

We were meant to go to Nuwari Elliya today, but Husband had accidentally booked the hotel for tomorrow, which was totally a blessing in disguise considering how Beano was feeling yesterday. Today he is fit for fight, eating loads (something hasn’t done for a few days) and generally happy, which means he will be ready for the next leg of the journey tomorrow. A two hours bus journey.

Blockie told Husband yesterday that the best thing about travelling was all the time he got to spend with us, which makes me so happy. I know that is has been hectic at times, backpacking is, stayinn12 different places so far, seeing so many different cities, villages and towns, but is shows that he really is enjoying the adventure he is on. The first week or so, it was a little hard and he was difficult, but for all good travellers, it takes a bit of time to get into an epic trip!

Sri Lanka part 1

Day 19 – Sri Lanka Adventure begins – Negombo and Colombo – a short stop over, it two great train journeys!

We have just arrived in Colombo after a night in Negombo, where we had some amazing red snapper and the boys got to run free on a beach less dirty than the one in Arambol. Negombo is not in season either, however, it was lovely there. Hot though.

Beano is sleeping (he has got diarrhoea, poor thing, but handling it really well), Viggo is playing Scooby Do, Husband is out getting antihistamines and more mosquito repellent. It is not great here for dengue, just the opposite, which is not ideal. but neither is KL, so we’re hoping for the best.

Colombo has a lot to offer a family, the green with shops on the shore and kites flying around, a postal museum and an amazing park. We went to the Barefoot cafe for lunch, which had delicious food and a turtle to talk to.

And there’s the train journey. My favourite thing the world. The train to Kandy was awesome. We go to Colombo Fort train station with jam, bread and biscuits as our provision and waited for the train. The train arrived and we got all our bags in, and the epic trip began. Beano and I spent the whole journey looking out the window and the amazing scenery and Blockie had a much needed sleep, the swaying and slight bumping of the train can do that.

 

 

Indian adventure – part 3

Day 14 – my birthday in Ooty and  en route to Mysore for one night in luxury

I had a brilliant birthday yesterday and what a great day in Ooty with kid a it was.
We started out with a little present hunt, Blockie and daddy had prepared for me. A bracelet from Hampi! Then we had breakfast – masala tea and masala omelet, with a side dosa and with a bit of Spider-Man, which meant it  was quiet and calm. Our taxi arrived and then we went to the Tea Factory – seeing how all the machines worked was amazing and at the end of the tour we had a little cup of tea to warm ourselves on. Have I said that that it is cold here in Ooty in July?
When then went to the Botanical Garden and ran around, saw ducklings and just enjoyed the greenery and flowers – highly recommend this to people with active children!
We were then taken to Ooty Lake and I had what was the most scary rollercoaster ride, not in a good way, but mostly because I generally thought that the wagon could fall off at any point. Not a pleasant experience and slightly ironic that we are so strict with seat belts and then take the boys on a ride like that (for the record, it just went around and was only 5 metres high, but still…..)
After that we went for thoroughly delicious thali before venturing to the rose garden, where Husband had a very unpleasant experience in the toilet. The boys and I enjoyed the roses.
We then drove to Coonoor, where we took a steam train back to Ooty (also highly recommend!), spoke to a Belgian family who where backpacking with their 5 and 9 year old. We invited them back to our hotel for birthday cake, which our lovely hotel guy had arranged for me.

We arrived at Radisson Blu and had a super chilled day with swimming, playing and eating McDonalds. Yes, we had McDonalds. But after 14 days of Indian spices, rice etc – the boys (very much Husband included) were craving burger and reliable chicken. I had a McSpicy Paneer – only in India. The boys each ate two burgers and fries – that says a lot!

Tomorrow we head of to Chennai and then the Sri Lankan adventure awaits!